Sunday 8 April 2012 2 comments

Miseries Of Love


 Falling in love with your best friend is a hackneyed idea, a story that is repeatedly shown in movies. Two best friends, living in denial about their feelings, eventually see the light and the piece of fiction ends with a conventional union of souls. Such was not the case with her. She was in love with her best friend, but this fact only caused undue complications , for her bestie was a girl too.
      They were both 19 years of age. She had known her best friend Jess since 2nd grade, which was a matter of great pride for the two of them. Jess wasn't a very constant person when it came to relationships. The people in her life entered and exitted like characters in a play, each with a fixed role and stage-time. She was the only stable person in Jess's life. They loved each other, albeit in two very different ways. Ignorance on Jess's part was the reason why their friendship survived the odds, although it only increased the undue anxiety for her.
   Jess had always wondered why her best friend had such a strong aversion to romantic relationships. She could discern how much the words 'love' and 'boys' bothered her friend. She would actually cringe at the very mention of those words. No matter how hard Jess pleaded, she would not yield. Jess wanted to see her happy. She was temperamental and moody and had walls around her that were impossible to scale. Eventually, She gave up on the attempt of setting her friend up.
   Jess was the exact opposite. She fell in love each day anew, and by evening had her heart in pieces. Her friend was always around to pick her up when she fell. She patiently endured Jess's trysts with love,even though it sparked off intense feelings of envy in her.
   She was strangely possessive about Jess. It had taken her an excruciatingly long time to recognise her sexual orientation, and an even longer time to label her feelings for Jess. Every moment around Jess hurt her, but every moment away hurt more. She was constantly waging a battle with her feelings- a cruel war between her mind and her heart. She knew the truth would shatter Jess, but the secrecy was becoming too much of a burden for her. She couldnt handle the traumatic pain of her situation, yet she could seek no remedy.
        Jess knew something was amiss, as she saw her friend's anxiety and unease compound on a regular basis. It bothered her that she couldnt help her. She failed to understand the reason and that troubled her more. She was completely oblivious of the fact that she was the reason behind her friend's misery.
     As time went on, the steady bond between the two was waning, its strength was put to test. On one occassion, she found herself lying next to Jess, struggling to maintain her composure. She closed her eyes and pondered about the grevious situation. Jess would be heart-broken, maybe even disgusted. She hated herself for putting Jess in this situation. But she knew their friendship wouldn't last if the emotional burden on their minds became unbearable. The delicate bond of friendship was but a fragile thread. She realised she had to ease the tension , reduce that emotional burden. The truth seemed to be the only solution. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Calling Jess's name, she prepared herself for the big confession. She had finally gained the boldness to come out of the suffocating closet and to take her first steps out in the open.  

Sunday 18 March 2012 1 comments

Regrets


   She loved him. She did. Yet fate was unkind. The Lord was unkind. She dint know how she was supposed to live now. Was she to remarry? Replace what she had lost?
       These thoughts were revolting. She had no one. No family,except him. Now that he wasnt there any more, purposelessness engulfed her. She was young. She could have had a brighter future,had she been a little less dramatic.
    She did realise her fault. Only when it was too late. For while she pondered about her circumstances, the excruciating pain of losing him faced her. The pain blinded her, untill she lost focus. She dropped to her knees, shaking, quivering, praying.
      She closed her eyes and prayed,something she wasnt used to. She was an athiest and a sceptic. She doubted everyone, including herself. He was the only exception to her doubting ways. His absence punched a whole in her heart. She usually wasn't one of those people who believed in heartbreaks when viewed on a screen. But now that she was experiencing it, all the overacting suddenly made sense.
     It wasn't like he was returning. He was dead. Death was the only permanent change. She had faced it before, but never in such magnitude.
    No one can ever fathom the pain she was undergoing. Her thoughts were waging a battle. She sought light, she sought knowledge. She sought reason to continue living. She found none.
     On an impulse, she stabbed herself to death. In her dying moments, she realised the consequences of her actions. She faced a final moment of self-loathing. She had just closed the book without reading the ending. She would never know what her life could have been like. With tears leaking out of her eyes, she felt the searing pain of the wounds and the darkness closing in on her. Regrets... Lots of regrets... Yet, it was too late to regret losing her life.

Thursday 19 January 2012 0 comments

A Well-Said Goodbye


     The light in his room illuminated the dull moonless night. She was restless in bed and his apparent sleeplessness next door gave her comfort. She was not the only one who had trouble sleeping at night. It was a Monday morning, probably after 4am. The week was not starting on a very pleasant note. She shuddered at the thought of attending school the next day. Sleep-deprived days did not qualify as good days.
       She got up and checked her phone. He'd texted her precisely 7 minutes back. She couldnt stop herself from smiling. Had he guessed her restlessness too? And yet again her heart skipped a beat.
          He was her neighbour; the school jock with a girlfriend and a ton of female fans. She had a crush on him, as is apparent. He was completely oblivious of her feelings, as was expected. A very typical high school love story, hackneyed to be exact. She realised how much her situation resembled a Taylor Swift song, yet she could not laugh at the humour behind it. She was too love-lorn for that.
        She was a tiny, frail creature. Pretty in some people's book, fairly ordinary in her own judgement. He was tall, well-built and perfectly handsome. Yet that was not the reason for her infatuation. She knew there was an amazing person behind that pretty face, an amazing person under the semblance of arrogance and pride.
           She texted him back, "Walk?". This was their midnight ritual. They would sneak out of their house and talk under the starlit sky in the rare occassions when sleep refused to cooperate. He gave an affirmative answer. She again smiled briefly to herself in the dark, feeling moronic.
          They hadn't talked to each other in a while. His girlfriend and soccer kept him busy. Oh-so-busy. She, on the other hand, was too busy looking busy. She was also preoccupied with thoughts of him, however she stubbornly denied this to herself. She wasn't the kinds to admit submission easily.
     "What keeps you up? " , she whispered. Her voice trembled and she put her might into making it sound steady. His voice was gentle, "Nothing". That one word reply roughly translated to "Everything". She could feel his grief in the still night. They walked silently for a while. Finally, he puckered up the courage to whisper, "My parents are getting divorced. Im moving with my mom, to the other part of the country. "
         She was speechless. Of course. Things always have to go awry. Why was she so surprised? She choked out the word, "When?". "In 3 Days. Im sorry." She briefly pondered over why he was apologising. He dint give her a lot of time to mull things over in her head. Her pulled her in a bear-like hug, knocking the wind out of her. He mumbled , "I love you", incoherently against her hair.
       They could hear the birds chirping. The first rays of sunlight shone through. Dawn was breaking. A fresh day, a fresh start. She decided it was best to keep him in the dark. It would make the separation easier for him. Silently, she smiled and walked back home, leaving him alone on the road.

Friday 6 January 2012 0 comments

Reunion


      She was acutely aware of his presence in the mundane atmosphere of the crowded hall. The room was filled with inconsequential people discussing uneventful topics, making it hard for her to concentrate on anything over the din. If only people appreciated the beauty of silence, she thought gloomily. She caught wifts of fiery gossip from the circle of women who surrounded her. Something about someone's daughter marrying a man beneath her social standing. She couldnt care less. Again she wondered why someone else's life should be of any interest to these ladies.' Human Nature',she thought, answering her own mental queries.
      He sat on the other end of the room,enjoying the party with a woman,who she assumed,was his wife. And yet again,their eyes locked. Blushing and swearing under breath, she vowed not to let her gaze wander in his direction.She realised soon enough that this was an impossible task. Every few seconds,her eyes would scan the room for him, and again he would catch her staring. Embarrassed as she was, she decided to move to a calmer location where his presence would not tempt her.
      Almost as if he'd read her mind, she found him in the garden outside,by the rose bush. The same rose bush where years back, he'd kissed her for the first time. 9 years it had been, she counted in her head. Seeing him there gave her a headrush. She wanted to avoid any awkward confrontation,yet fate seemed determined at going against her wishes.
      She tried to steal away from him while his back was to her. The sound broke his reverie and he caught her standing behind him. Colour rose in her cheeks. Her long gown fluttered in the chilly night breeze, the only audible sound apart from the rustling leaves. 'You dont have to avoid me', he muttered in a matter-of-fact tone. He looked exactly the same to her, though his face had gained the maturity of his late twenties.
     Quick at defending herself, she denied avoiding him. His lips turned into a knowing grin. She hated how he still had a peculiar insight into the workings of her mind.
     "You remember-" , he started to say, when her affirmative answer interrupted him. He edged closer and every fibre of her being responded to his proximity. She could think of no subtle way of escaping, so she stood still as a statue.
     "So many years have gone by... I've lost count..."
     "Nine", she answered calmly.
    "You've just not changed."
    She grunted. "Neither have you."
      They stood silently next to each other, peering at the starlit sky. The awkwardness of their encounter faded. She whispered, 'Your wife must be waiting for you now....'
     He started at her with an incredulous expression on his face, humour clearly evident in his eyes. Trust him to destroy the solemn moment, she thought.
    "Thats not my wife."
   "Oh."
     " It was great meeting you after all this while" , he said, clearly trying not to laugh. Resisting the urge to punch him, she responded with a polite, "You too." Still smiling at her blunder, he strolled off, leaving her alone under the purple nightsky.
     She was pleased with how his cocky grin and sarcastic humour had not taken leave of him. He was more or less the same guy she had surrendered her heart to 9 years back. Smiling to herself, she secretly prayed that they might cross paths again. She dint know that her unspoken plea had been answered, for in the course of the next few weeks, she saw him on more than one occassion, and this time, it wasn't a coincidence.

 
;